Dear Gabriella,
It has been a week since I last spoke to you.
I used to remember the time when I wanted to go home during each passing season.
I used to remember the time when I would wake up at night missing my father and mother.
Nowadays, it seems less and less.
It seems like I have finally learned to be alone— or, in better words,
understood how to be alone.
The question, however, came into my mind— am I ever alone?
Yesterday, I sat at my table and closed my eyes.
I realized that there is never a moment of silence.
I am surrounded by sound —the sound coming from the ventilator,
the sound coming from the heater,
the sound of electricity,
the sound from my neighbours,
the sound of my own breath.
If I listen closely enough,
I feel that I could hear my own heart beating.
I realize that we never experience a moment of silence.
Even though, we often think we do.
In the evening, I had a conversation with a close friend of mine.
When I speak to him, it seems as if time is irrelevant.
Time is irrelevant.
He shared with me his tour to Los Angeles— lying on the grass, watching the river and the valley through the lenses of his sunglasses.
He told me that at one point, he was drifting away into the spectacular view, and everything started to dissolve and morph together.
Yet, his consciousness would come back, and he would recognize that he is watching the river and the valley through the lenses of his sunglasses.
We then began to have an intense conversation about consciousness and fear.
Gabriella, what do you think is the opposition of fear?
I think that the opposite of fear is beauty.
I can’t fully explain at this moment; beauty and fear cannot survive without each other.
We also spoke about revealing ourselves in front of an audience.
I often feel this emotion of conflict in my daily life. I question myself:
Have I said too much?
Have I gone too far?
Is this the right context where I shall reveal my true feelings?
Am I giving the audience the right feedback?
Then came the question of trust.
Do I trust them?
Can I trust them?
When shall I trust them?
Shall I ever trust them?
Do they trust me?
Why should they trust me?
Does being vulnerable have anything to do with trust?
Does trust have anything to do with being vulnerable?
Gabriella, I wish to hear from you.
I am sure you know better.
Best Regards,
Yang Shen
November 14, 2022